Commitmentphobia

When I first decided to quit my two jobs and come to China I committed to a contract gig with an outfit based in Geneva, and a BJ private school for LiLi, each for six months.  I wasn't sure how we would both do here, whether we'd want to stay for less time, more time, a lifetime.

I put our personal stuff in storage in San Francisco but left furniture, rugs, art, books, for our neighbor's parents who were staying in the house.  I figured I'd rent the house later if I needed to, and just risk the damage that might happen to my rugs or antiques.  I wasn't feeling very attached to all of that accumulated stuff at the time.  I even let go of a white sofa that had been emblematic of my marriage and our tiny Hollywood Hills cottage lo those many years ago, watching it being crushed in the jaws of the recycling truck and sobbing at the loss.  My poor (more-recent) ex kept saying, "I told you not to look, I told you not to look."  But I had the idea that after Freecycle resulted in no takers, that the recycling guys would cart it away for another life, intact.  Despite the momentary meltdown, I was still feeling happy to be starting a(nother) new life.  Once in BJ, I didn't miss the stuff at all.

Time has marched on as it does, and now if we were to go home as planned we'd be leaving here in about six weeks.  China would almost be over.

So.  Last week I renegotiated my work gig, extending it and school to the end of 2012.  I'll have tax complications, getting back into SF school complications, figuring out SF work complications, but I'd have some version of those no matter what.  I carved out a month of summer camp for LiLi and simultaneous intensive Chinese study for me.   Several of our nearest and dearest are visiting now, are enroute, or are talking about coming to visit.  Even my sister and her husband are thinking about coming in December.  So the world feels, or rather we feel, sufficiently accessible right at this moment.

And we are not done here.  Beijing still seems like the center of the universe, like change is happening every minute of every day, and like anything is possible.  It's exciting to be here now, in the midst of change I don't think we've ever seen or will see again in our lifetimes.  When we first got here I'd meet ex-pats and ask how long they'd each been in BJ.  I kept hearing the same story:  I came for a year and it has been three; I came for six months five years ago; I came for three years and stayed for 8 so far.

I was reading the requirements for a grant application this week and considered writing myself in as "key personnel."  I'm not ready for the four year commitment that would require, but I am signed on, now, until the end of 2012.